Bringing Grace Into Your Marriage
We all love grace -- for ourselves. We struggle extending it to others. Ironically, we often struggle the most in extending it to our own family. We can easily forgive a random stranger in the grocery store but hold grudges and have unrealistic expectations for our spouse.
Marriages NEED grace to survive. When we place others under some form of law or legalism in order to be worthy of our acceptance or approval, we doom our relationships.
What does legalism in marriage look like? Legalism is not just related to the religious world. Anywhere that we place a qualifier in place to earn our love or approval, we have walked square into legalism. As soon as we think our spouse doesn't deserve something from us until they perform in a certain manner, that is law.
What Grace is NOT
Before we get to understanding how we are going to get grace operating in our marriages, we need to know what it is NOT. Grace for your spouse is not about getting walked all over, excusing bad behavior, or always sacrificing and never receiving.
That's not how grace works with God. With Him, grace is given so that, by faith in Christ and His completed work, we are never estranged from Him or living a life of performance in order for Him to accept us. But it also creates an environment where change can happen.
Law Doesn't Change People, Grace Does
We can learn a lot from how God has chosen to interact with us. The Apostle Paul tells us that the Law was given for a few reasons: to show God's people the best way to live, to show what righteousness looked like, to be a tutor, and to show us that we were not capable of being righteous without His help.
Grace is not a license or permission to sin. It is the power over sin. Law did not make anyone righteous. Rules and restrictions can show you what righteous living looks like and what you need to change, but it cannot teach you HOW or empower you to do so. Titus 2:11-12 tells us that grace teaches us to say no to ungodliness. When we move beyond measuring ourselves by how "good" we think we are or are not we can draw closer to the One who will make us "good." The behavior is the fruit of righteousness, not the definition or means of obtaining it.
Understanding that none of us is perfect and we all have good days and bad days is critical. Grace chooses not to assume the worst about one another. Keeping our marriage relationship grace-filled keeps it in an environment where growth can take place. Creating a legalistic environment ensures more arguments and let downs. Legalism is exhausting and it is exasperating.
Legalism in a marriage says, "if you do _______, then you'll get ________." Grace in marriage says, "I love you and I know you love me and we can overcome this."
How Does This Apply to Marriage?
Have you ever noticed that no matter how many times you tell your husband to stop leaving his nasty rolled up dirty socks on the floor or how many times you've asked your wife to stop spending so much at Target, nothing changes. Actually, all that changes is your blood pressure every time they do it again. Remember, law is not what changes people.
I'm sticking to silly examples here, but you can see how this could apply to anything you're wanting to change about your spouse -- even things that really do need to change.
My first piece of advice is to worry less about the ways your spouse needs to change and seek God about the things in you that need to change since that's the only things you have any control over -- but that's a blog for another day.
Nagging each other is one problem, but the bigger problem comes when we start withholding something because they are not changing. Even if it is just withholding a smile or hug because you're mad at them. It might be stalling on that honey-do because you're upset that she let the kids eat French fries in the car again. It can start with small things that don't seem that important but, when we begin to allow legalism into our marriages, it begins to grow. Before you know it you're not talking to one another.
Identify Legalism When It Pops Up
As soon as you see it appear, recognize it and cut it off. Instead of looking at your spouse through the eyes of judgment, do so through the eyes of grace. Everything in our flesh wants an eye for an eye. It wants to withhold what someone else does not deserve.
NEVER accept or submit to abuse. You never explain it away as just a weakness they have. That's not grace. But don't focus on some extreme example where this advice may not be applicable. Instead remember it in the day-to-day annoyances that pop up.
Love Keeps No Record of Wrong, But...
The famous passage about love in 1 Corinthians 13 makes this statement that love keeps no record of wrong. Combine that with trying to extend grace and it may seem like you're supposed to just get over all your spouse's issues and pretend it doesn't affect you. That is not the way and it is not what that verse is implying. Doing so leads to either overall passivity or to passive aggression. Both are poison to a marriage.
Love doesn't keep a record -- meaning it is not keeping a catalog that can be brought up at a future time to be determined in order to win an argument or to hurt your spouse. Keeping the record also causes you to live in bitterness and it will destroy your relationship.
But that doesn't mean love doesn't deal with wrongs. Scripture tells is that even God chastises those whom He loves. Without getting too deep into that statement, it means God does love us and His grace ensures we do not lose His love and fellowship when we sin -- but it also means that, out of that same love, He corrects. His correction is about changing our direction and not punishment or revenge. All the punishment and wrath was on Christ at the cross. There is none left to pour out on you. It's not a "punishment fits the crime" reaction. God knows exactly what will change your direction and that is what He will try (I say try because we have a will that can choose to rebel). His correction is no more or no less than what is needed.
Now, your job is not to correct or somehow punish your spouse. Since you are not perfectly righteous like Him, you have to right to do so. It is not your job to change or fix them. However, we take His example and we understand that loving and extending grace do not men the issues are not to be dealt with.
Standing Up for Yourself with Love and Grace
Here are some ideas on how to address issues and conflict while remaining in love and grace:
Avoid Heat of the Moment "Correction"- If your spouse's words or actions are hurting or bothering you it is beneficial to discuss it with them. It is almost always a bad idea to do so when things are already escalating. I know there is probably never going to be a good time to bring something like this up. But I can say for certain that there are definitely bad times to do so. Take time to cool off and let your emotions subside. The things we say out of negative emotions most often hurt and do not heal. As you take time to process what to say and when to say it, pray and invite the Holy Spirit to give you the right words to say (and not say).
Avoid Absolutes- When we talk about the issue at hand avoid statements like "you always" or "you never." These paint with very broad strokes and while you might very well feel they always or never, it is confrontational and accusatory and leads the other to either shut down or lash out. Instead, try to give a specific example of the action and how it made you feel. As an example, "last night when we were at your mom's house, you said __________ and I don't know if you realized how much that hurt me." Then explain why. Am I telling you this a guarantee that everything will go smoothly. No. But I know it has a better chance than, "You always talk down to me in front of your mom!"
Don't Withhold- While you may very well be justified in being upset about something your spouse has said or done, avoid withholding your love, affection, or respect until such time that you feel they've paid the penalty. That is law and it does not work. But don't they need to know what they did was not okay? Yes, but making them earn what you vowed to give in the good times and the bad on your wedding day is not the way to do it.
Pray- Care enough about your marriage to pray about how to deal with conflict before reacting in the ways that our flesh does by default. I know it may seem like that silly little thing your spouse does that, in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal, but it irks you is not worth taking to God. Trust me, it is. He cares about what we care about. If it really is petty and you need to just get over it, He can show you that. But He can also help you deal with the situation with wisdom, love and, yes, grace.
Pastor Jeff Zubeck is the lead pastor of Living Word Ahwatukee in Phoenix, Arizona. He and his wife have been pastoring the church together for over 15 years and have been in ministry for over 30. They have been married for over 30 years and have four entirely unique and wonderful adult children.They will tell you they, their marriage, and their family are not perfect but they are being perfected in Christ every single day and they would not trade any of what they have.
